waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
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