I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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