It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
