man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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