why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
