I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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