She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
