Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
