Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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