his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
