I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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