Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize