life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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