Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
