I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
