If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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