Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
