true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
