remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize