I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
