Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
