someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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