Four minutes until I can fart!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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