i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
