I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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