HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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