Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize