Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
