Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
