Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
