On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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