I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
