At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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