my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
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