Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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