i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
