just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
God, I missed his penis.
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