Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
