She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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