Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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