Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I need moral support for this bender
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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