I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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