If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
