regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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