My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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