we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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