THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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