halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
