sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
