Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
