my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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