I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
