sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I think I have vodka in my lungs
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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