How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
