I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
