shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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