please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
