Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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