just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
