There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
