I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize