I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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