I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
there is glitter all over my balls
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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