Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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